After two months of feeling like I was running myself ragged, I woke up yesterday and decided that I would take it slow. No matter what. Those of you that know me best, know that this was not an easy decision for me. There is always so much that I could be doing.
I know that it's not good to feel like I can't relax or shouldn't take some down time. I sometimes joke that it's a "sickness"... but now I'm thinking that it really is.
I was brought up with the idea that if you were ever sitting around or sleeping in or whatever - you were lazy. In college, many of my roommates would insist on their nap time. It was detrimental that they have this time of re-charging. I didn't think it was a bad idea and even envied them a little because, to be honest, I didn't even feel like I knew how to take a nap. I'd lay there with my mind all a buzz thinking about what I had accomplished or needed to accomplish. Then the feelings of guilt would start to set in. Feelings that I would appear lazy, irresponsible or weak for laying there IN BROAD DAY LIGHT. haha. Sounds ridiculous now.
What on earth? I have carried this feeling into my adult life. Even after having a cesarean section with my first born and losing enough blood to need a transfusion, I felt I better get up after the anesthesia wore off to take a shower and make my self presentable in case someone should stop by for a visit.
Writing it out makes me feel sad, because I am seeing even more how awful it is. I would never allow a friend of mine to think that way, but here it is and I am living like this. I remember reading a comment my sister made in a Bible study group that we were both in where she mentioned that she always has "leisure time". I can't remember anything else she said, but that part about struck me dumb. I can't even imagine having spare time like that...
Well, on top of it all, these last two months just seem to really catch up with me. Physically I have been sick, emotionally I have not been well, and spiritually I have even been feeling a little depressed. But no time to think about that! Busy, busy. So much going on with a Senior in high school and all the end of the year events. Then there are three others that are in school and going in different ways, church, life, work... *sigh*
So yesterday morning, I woke up. I went downstairs to make omelets for Marco and Naomi - her request since she has CST testing this week and needs the extra protein boost. As I am cooking, I am whispering a prayer. My heart is heavy and I don't even know why. I just stop what I'm doing and I say right out loud, "LORD, I need you." I decide that I am going to have a special talk with Him after I drop the kids off for school.
I drove to a nearby park and brought my tea (we were out of coffee creamer) and my camera and I walk. I decide that I will take it slow. I will not rush home to laundry. I will not think about all the things I could be or should be doing. I walk. I stop. I listen. I sit. I realize that there is so much beauty right there at the park on this early morning. It is practically in my backyard. How did I not ever know this? Oh yeah. No time.
I discover beautifully painted houses, a huge memorial rose garden with benches and walking paths...
I sit for a while and I just look. I take in the sweet scent of the flowers bright. I realize I am crying and that I feel Him saying, "Just rest. Just sit and do nothing." So I did. It was an actual battle for me 'cause I kept thinking that I better get going. But I sat.
I think I was praying, but I don't even know for what. You know how sometimes you just need to cry and you don't even know why you're crying? Like you are so tired and you have just had enough and everything is just achy? Yeah. That. I finally let myself feel that. I can't believe I am even telling you. That's another issues I'm dealing with...being transparent here again. I didn't feel like my own blog was a safe zone for me anymore, but I don't care. I'm going to make it my safe zone. I need to do this.
I began to think about verses I'd learned in the past about resting in Him. Verses like
1 Peter 5:7 that tell us to cast our burdens on Him because He cares for us.
Matthew 11:28 tells us who are weary and burdened to go to Him for rest...
But then I remember a verse in John 6. I was studying the chapter a while back and remember that there was a verse that stuck out and almost made me laugh. I had to look it up to remember it, but it was
Mark 6:31 where it says:
"Then Jesus said, "Let's go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile." He said this because there were so many people coming and going that Jesus and his apostles didn't even have time to eat."
Do you know why I laughed? Have you ever been so busy that you forget to eat? I have! Sure, I make up for it later (not always in the best way), but that's how busy I get and that's how busy they were. They didn't even have a chance to eat.
But then Jesus, who always cares about our needs and knows them even when we don't, told them to come away with Him to a quiet place to eat and rest. I know that it's what I needed to do. I knew then that it's what I need to do.
I will still have a full schedule - of that I am sure - like these baby ducks that travel in a row with purpose, but I can make time for what is the most important thing. Don't get me wrong. I have my "devotions" every day. I get my Bible study in every day. But do I really get alone with Him? There are too many distractions... Maybe I should come more often to this place that reminds me to
"be still".
Oh, what a long-winded, but necessary post. More for me - but maybe even for you. I am glad that I took the time to look around, to observe, to be quiet, to listen because He had many gifts for me that morning and I am going to go back to look for more.
Happy May Day my friends. I pray that this month, you will also make time to get away to be alone with Him. I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me. He gave me rest yesterday and I can carry that into the rest of my week. For that - I am thankful!
