Sunday, December 5, 2010
Reverb 10|Day5|Let Go
December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)
Wow. I seriously thought that this was it. I only got up to day 5 and I was ready to give it up. Why? Because this prompt was beckoning me to be honest...authentic...real. This year has been about letting go of a lot of things.
One of the things I had to let go of was second guessing myself, feeling insecure about every little thing while trying to look like I had it together on the outside, basically feeling like I was never good enough.
I know that a lot of this has to do with the way I grew up. Guess what though? I'm done. There are so many things that I have not even tried to do, because I have this fear that it won't be perfect. 2011 will be the year that all of that changes. As a matter of fact, it's starting now - it has already started!
I also had to let go of some people in my life this year. Oh, yes - I may still see them from time to time, but I am no longer out looking for them. I had this, I don't know - sickness I guess, where I felt like I was chasing after the approval or friendship of people that really could not give a flip about me. Seriously. I think it all goes back to the feeling of not being good enough. I was surrounded by genuine, loving, giving friends and I would still ache over that "friend" that never seemed to be able to return my calls or respond to my messages on fb. The one that was always so busy in her life that she could not take a call or acknowledge me once in a while. I beat myself up over what I might have done to deserve that sort of treatment... I lost sleep over why we couldn't have that friendship that she swore we'd always have.
Well, I'm done worrying over it. As a matter of fact, one day recently I was whining to my husband about how I felt about a particular friend of mine acting this way toward me and I was telling him that maybe I should just go to her or send her a little gift or...or... All of a sudden, he firmly - but kindly - told me to get over it! He said that they were not what a true friend should be and he didn't think that they were ever able to be capable of being a true friend!
Well! I couldn't believe it, but he was right. I had a good cry and in that moment, I knew I felt peace about it all. I was no longer going to try to "make" someone be my friend. I am no longer going to waste sleep, tears or thoughts over someone that does not think that I am enough. Now I have more time to show those that are dear to me that THEY are ENOUGH.